I've never been the most religious person, I'll admit that. In fact, there have been many moments in my life where people's passion and convictions about God and the Bible pushed me away even further...I don't like people trying to force something on me or tell me "how it is" and that what I believe is "wrong" or "ungodly." So thanks to those people, my desire to be closer to God was pushed further and further away, until the day I moved to Tennessee.
Looking back now, I'd say moving to Tennessee was the best decision I've ever made in my life. A whole new world, new options, and new people & adventures are completely within my reach and I feel like I finally have a chance to make my life into what I want it to be. At first, however, I wouldn't have told you that.
My trunk, backseat, passenger seat, and my dad's car were all loaded down with my things driving the 3.5 hour stretch to my new home. I couldn't help but sob the entire last hour thinking of the one person I knew I was leaving behind me and wasn't entirely sure what the fate would be between us. But I knew I had no other reason to stay in Georgia and that if I didn't take that leap of faith and try something new I'd be stuck in Georgia as a stock clerk making what seemed like pennies an hour for doing hard work at 5 am every day for the rest of my life, and that was NOT the life I wanted for myself. If the relationship was meant to work out then a few hours distance wouldn't change that, and although it is now over & I at first blamed it on myself moving, I realize that had very little to do with it. The reality is that what is meant to be, will be. Relationships take two to work, especially with distance involved. If there are not two people truly in it, and it doesn't work out, then there's no reason to keep focusing on it and dwelling on what could have been. There's a quote by Hellen Keller that I love, "When one door of happiness closes, another opens: but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." I adore that quote, and find it more relevant in my life now more than ever. I've always put too much stock in the past, but the truth is that when you care so much it's hard to let go, and although time heals and life goes on, the hurt is still there now and lingers on. I've been bad about focusing on it too often lately with little result, but have realized my focus and pain is getting me nowhere. I concentrate on all the things I miss, all the fun times, all the moments where I felt so happy because of him that I never wanted the moment to end. But reality is that it DID end, and thinking about it doesn't get it back. So I've started turning to others, people who have already brightened my life in the short time since I've known them, to help me better my life and turn my focus in an entirely different direction a direction in which I've never truly been....towards God.
When I moved up here and knew no one, I wasn't sure exactly how to go about meeting people. In the past, school has allowed me to pick and choose friends from a plethora of people I was surrounded by daily, and for once I found myself in a new town, city, state without a friend in sight. I had been thinking and debating for a while perhaps getting more involved in a church setting and trying to figure out exactly what the whole "religion" thing was all about from the aspect of others my age who felt so strongly about God. After filling out a "get to know me" form at a church called Faith Promise, located in Knoxville as well as Maryville, I received an invite on Facebook from a girl around my age to join their small group. I was excited about the possibility, but will admit it took me a while to actually make myself GO. I was not only starting a new job but dealing with the hurt and sadness of an ended relationship and was overall trying to figure out exactly where to go next. Finally, I made that leap and went to meet them.
I will be honest, I had one of the best nights I have had in a while. I left the coffee shop with a whole new sense of PRESENCE and a whole new drive to do better for myself and to do better for GOD. I wanted to get to know this God who they felt so close to, so connected with, on a daily basis. I wanted to be a better, more giving person. And I left there feeling happier than I had felt since I moved to Tennessee. I went again this past Thursday and already feel like I have 4 new wonderful friends who I cannot wait to spend more time with and get to know better.
I know this wasn't the blog entry everyone would expect from me, and I can promise you I won't always be so serious :-) but I feel better after getting that all out, and looking at it laid out in front of me. I waver daily with my decision to move here, but the facts do not lie...I have a better job, have no rent to pay (currently), have joined a gym and started working out, am taking two online classes and have joined a small group of wonderful ladies from church. The world is at my feet and I just need to take advantage of every opportunity before me. Whether I know it or admit it, I feel like God has had a huge hand in my decision to move...he clearly knows what is best for me :) Maybe I should start giving him a little more control and stop being so stubborn and set in my ways. Apparently it isn't really "my way or the highway" because...let's face it...I just don't know enough about the world yet to have complete control of my life. Nor do I want to :)
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